Hey, Flicka. Hey, it's me, Harry.
Remember me? What's up, honey? How are you?
- She doesn't want to talk to you. - Oh, no, no. I know.
Did you ever think maybe I don't want to talk to her?
I just saw your really distinctive ears.
You look different, but it's obviously Flicka.
- Maybe it's you I'm interested in. - ls that true?
Not really. Look, she must have a cell phone, right? She must.
- Forget it. This is between you two. - Look, I got a ticket. I am leaving.
I'm going back to the East Coast, and that's--
No? Come on, I just want to say something to her.
Just anything before I split. I'm begging you. Come on, help me out.
- I'm gonna regret this. - No, you're not...
...and that is a very smart suit, by the way.
- It's not here, that's funny. - What's funny?
FLICKA: Nothing. It's just under her stage name.
Oh, God. Everyone's got a stage name. What's her stage name?
FLICKA: Ames. Allison Ames.
Okay, well, I'll just write it down and then--
Hey! Say that name again.
- Allison Ames. - Allison Ames. A-M-E-S.
- That's her stage name. - I just said that.
That's the name on her credit cards.
- How am I supposed to know? - Fuck! Thanks, honey. Gotta roll.
Later.
PERRY [ON MACHINE]: You have reached the offices of Sentron, Inc.
Leave a message.
Newsflash, Perry. Your client, Ames, it was the little sister.
Repeat, the little sister.
That's where Harmony's 2 grand went.
It's in your bank, you overpriced bastard.
Her kid sister hired you.
Do you get this? Your case and my case are the same fucking case.
HARRY: Come on! - Get out of my life!
I'm at the airport, right, and I run into Flicka, and she says--
Gah!
- Did I just cut off your finger? - Yeah.
It's on the floor, to my periph-- I don't wanna see it. Pick it up, put it on ice.
Thanks.
[GROWLS]
HARMONY [ON PHONE]: You're a genius, Harry. You're a genius.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry I had to bail on you, but I had to go to work.
I am going nuts here. I can 't stop thinking about this.
What's my sister's connection to Veronica Dexter?
She predicted that murder, Harry. She sent you and Perry to that exact spot.
That whole thing is wild. You know what else is nuts? You cut off my finger!
Oh, God, Harry, I am so sorry about that. How is it?
It's fine. It's all shut up. They gave me painkillers.
- Where's Perry? We gotta find him. - Perry's coming by here.
I' m working a party on Sunset Plaza.
Remember you said the killer may have been at Dexter's party?
- Well, that whole bunch is here tonight. - Honey, put me on the list, I'll drop by.
I'll see if I can stir up the kettle, stick out my hat, see if anyone shoots at it.
Maybe you could put the hat in the kettle...
...and if they shoot at it, it'll ricochet. Harry, you sound trashed.
Give me the address. I'm coming.
HARRY: I showed up mildly whacked on Demerol...
... thinking Harmony's theory wasn't so crazy.
Hi.
What if little sis had been murdered by the same assholes...
... who offed Veronica Dexter?
Remember? With the ski masks, those dudes.
Then and there, I made a decision.
If it fucking killed me, I would not stop...
... until I got, like, two more Demerol.
No, seriously, I was on the case. Harry Lockhart, L.A.P.I.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
- Harry, I got it. - What do you got?
Just now. My friend Tiff does the video dubbing at Fox.
- "Lord of the Cock Rings. " - No, Harry, it's a fake label.
Copyright infringement, she'd get fired. It's a Jonny Gossamer movie.
If Jenna was hunting her mystery dad, this is where she would start, right?
- Jesus, don't patronize me! - I'm not.
- You're patronizing me. - No, I'm not. It's just a funny little buzz.
I don't know if this guy's your boyfriend or not...
...but when you were in the bathroom, he was checking me out.
What? What is it out here with these women?
Please, they're no different from anywhere else.
They are. These are damaged goods, every one of them, from way back.
Take a guy who sleeps with 100 women a year, go into his childhood...
...dollars to doughnuts, it's relatively unspectacular.
Now, you take one of these gals who sleeps with 1 00 guys a year...
...and I bet you if you look in their childhood...
...there's something rotten in Denver.
- Denmark. - That too. But it's abandonment...
...it's abuse. It's, "My uncle put his ping-ping in my papa. "
Then they all come out here.
It's like someone took America by the East Coast and shook it...
...and all the normal girls managed to hang on.
Okay, everybody who hates Harry here raise their hand.
- See that? Obedient little bitches too. WOMAN: Fuck you!
Hey.
Okay, you've got 30 of my fucking seconds, thrill me.
All right, guys, cast list.
Catch. That's the credit card my sister used to hire you.
So who's in this cinematic milestone?
- We got a Michael Beck, whoever that is. - He's the star of Xanadu, with...
...Olivia Newton-John and Gene Kelly.
[WHISPERS]: Gay. - Mm.
- What? - Nothing.
Perry, listen up. I know this is a long shot, but indulge me, please.
We gotta lose the hat. I'm sorry, honey, I can't--
- God, I'm working! HARRY: I know, but just forget it.
HARMONY: Seriously, don't jump all over me. Just pay attention. Watch it, please.
- That's Harlan Dexter. HARMONY: What?
- Who's Har--? What? PERRY: Look, that's--
He's 20 years younger, but that's Harlan Dexter.
DEXTER: Always sees the inside of a police van.
No way.
Wow.
This kind of makes sense. He had the Gossamer books at his house.
Used to be an actor.
I remember him now. 1 980. Oh, my God, I saw him like this.
- Young. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where?
In Indiana. He was there with the movie crew.
Remember, I told you he looked familiar. Oh, God, this can't be true.
HARRY: And your sister has to have seen this...
...so you know what it comes down to.
You tell your sister a fairy tale about her real father--
And 20 years later, she comes out to L.A. hunting Harlan Dexter.
I've got a surveillance in MacArthur Park.
I gotta follow some chick around till midnight. Do not play detective.
This is not a book. This is not a movie.
We got it. Do you think I'm stupid?
You wouldn't know where to feed yourself...
...if you didn't flap your mouth so much. Yes, I think you're stupid.
Harry, don't listen to a word he says, all right? We're getting somewhere.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm going back to work.
Good.
- Excuse me. - What's up, baby? How you feeling?
HARRY: I'm just gonna-- - Come and take a walk. Walk with me.
HARRY: Great, this is fucking rich.
Well, now, here we all are:
- Ike, Mike and Mustard. - What the hell does that mean?
I'm with him on this one. That's pretty fucking obscure.
MR. FRYING PAN: I hear that all the time. MR. FIRE: You do?
- Yeah, sure. - Where? At the 1 942 Club?
- Just because you didn't get it-- - Motherfucker, I could-- Slow your roll.
This is bullshit. What will you do, take me out here? There's sec--
- Keep talking. Keep talking. - You wanna know who we are?
I'm the frying pan, see? And my boy over here--
He's Mustard. I'm Mustard, baby.
- Sure. - He's the fire.
- Fuck you, Mr. Mustard. - Here we go.
Now, me and my man, we're puzzled lately by your behavior, such as--
Such as why is a savvy, stand-up cat like yourself consorting with gay men?
Frolicking in the lake together. What is that?
You're the guys who were wearing the masks. Ah!
- You don't ask the questions. - Don't ask questions.
God, you just tore up my fucking finger! I just got this fixed. Jesus!
I bet there's a doctor in New York, clear that shit right up.
Clear it right up.
[HARRY GROANS]
L.A. don't want you no more, tough guy.
All right?
HARRY: How much further to the hospital?
HARMONY: Five minutes away, okay?
Talk to me. Our mascot, back in high school, who was it?
Come on, Harry, stay with me.
Whitey, the white knight. Whitey.
HARRY: I guess it's better than calling him "Knighty. "
Then it'd be Knighty Knight. Soon it'd be Toodles, and then Ta-Ta.
It's very emasculating.
HARMONY: Harry, that's them. Twelve o'clock.
You said it's a black guy and a white guy?
You're right. Get the plate, call the cops.
- Let me find a pen. - No. Whatever. Watch the road.
Are we slowing down?
- No, I'm getting a pen. - Are you following them? Better not be.
- Tell me you're not following them. - I'm taking you to the hospital.
- Oh, shit. They're turning. - What?
Holy shit.
Perry's stakeout. It's a setup. They're going to MacArthur Park after Perry!
Wait a second! My finger's hanging off. We gotta move on this.
We're gonna go save Perry, really quickly.
Then we'll go fix your finger.
It'll be like, "Hey, Perry, look out. " Boom, back in the car. All right?
- Cool? - Yeah. This is exhausting.
HARMONY: Ah, bingo. All right. All right, Harry.
Twelve o'clock, that's them. One of them is on foot.
God, Harry. Shit, if I leave the keys, can you take yourself to the hospital?
- Oh, yeah, sure. - All right, good.
- I got the gun you gave me. - You what?
HARMONY: Perry!
MR. FIRE: Now, where you going?
No, no, no. Don't fight it.
Shh. Shh. Let it happen, baby.
[MR. FIRE GROANS]
[CAR HORNS HONKING]
Perry!
Perry, watch out! Goddamn it, turn around!
MAN: Son of a bitch!
How about that, you fucking animals! Goddamn cocksuckers.
[CAR ENGINE STARTS]
[TIRES SCREECH]
- Perry. - Where the hell did you come from?
- He got away. - It's okay. You did good.
- I couldn't shoot him, Perry. Oh, God. - You did fine. You did fine.
We gotta go now.
Hello?
Anyone home?
Hello?
Anyone home? I got an injury problem. Hello.
MAN: All right, first things first. You've gotta ditch that car.
WOMAN: I know, I know. I've--
I know you said that there was gonna be consequences, but fuck.
I saw him shot to death.
- I was scared. MAN: Look, it's okay, yeah.
We can absolutely talk about it, all right?
WOMAN: Thank you. Thank you so much.
It's nothing against your boss. I'm grateful. I just--
MAN: I spoke to him.
You'll never have to go through anything like that again.
I swear.
WOMAN: Promise?
MAN: Yep.
[GUNSHOTS]
[WHISPERS] Who are you?
[GASPING] Who are you?
Who--?
[GROANS]
Well, hey.
So you still here, huh, tough guy?
Oh, you got a gun, I see.
Well, damn, you are tough.
[GROANS]
Sorry.
Fuck.
Hey. Hey!
Sit.
[WHISTLES]
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
- Yeah? What? PERRY: Where the hell are you?
I'm with one of the kidnappers. One of them, anyhow. I shot him. He's dead.
[WHISPERS] Come here, you fuck.
Wipe the place clean and get out of there.
I want to, but I can't.
- So do it. - My fingerprint's here. The dog's got it.
- No one 's gonna dust the fucking dog. - He's got the finger, asshole...
- ... with the print part. - Get the finger, kill the dog, get out.
Hang on.
Shit. Well, I think....
I think we' re safe.
Harry?
- Harry? - Hey, Perry, I shot a guy.
I never did that before.
Harry, listen--
[HARRY GROANING]
REPORTER: --link to the items found in the Silver Lake home...
... to the kidnap-murder of socialite Veronica Dexter.
Police theorize a falling out between the kidnappers...
...resulting in at least two deaths, and possibly a third tonight.
PERRY: So this evening, was it Jonny Gossamer enough for you?
T o tell you the truth, Jonny Gossamer always has a way bigger ending.
There's always the part where the guy gets tortured.
Yeah, tortured, sure. Then he usually breaks free and shoots, like, 1 6 guys.
Yeah, 1 6 guys. It's always 1 6. That's funny.
HARMONY: Hm.
So this thing, it's over, right? They say the kidnappers are all dead, so....
Well, Harry, I'd be lying to you if I didn't say...
...that I still didn't have a few questions.
Harmony's sister.
If she stumbles on a murder plot, why hire me to film it?
- Why not simply go to the police? - Right. And I still think...
...this Veronica Dexter father-daughter business is wanky.
So the whole reconcilement thing?
"Reconciliation, " idiot.
She comes back to the States, drops the lawsuit, moves in with her father.
- Suddenly they're inseparable? HARRY: So, what are you saying?
We're gonna, like, probe deeper?
- Absolutely not. - What?
What are you talking about? My sister paid you.
- What, you're gonna bail? - Harmony...
...do you want your sister's money back? Done.
In the meantime, back off.
Before you get me and Harry killed.
Pardon me.
Hey, I lucked out. They gave me the same room.
- Lucky you. - It's pretty good. You wanna come up?
No, I don't wanna come up. Why would I go up there?
- They cleaned it. - The car is coming. I'm going. Jesus.
You know what, Harry? Stop.
Why'd you lie to me? Hm?
Uh, it was an excuse to stay around you. So I think, in the realm of lies--
You are such a dumb-ass.
- I am so not who you think I am, Harry. - And who would that be?
You think I'm-- You think I'm amazing.
You do. You think I'm so amazing...
...because that's who I told you I'd be.
Yeah, that was the game plan.
- You know what? It worked. - No one else thinks so.
- My opinion doesn't count? - No, it doesn't.
Because you're new here.
Look around, there's younger and better.
I don't want younger and better, I want you.
I'm such a moron. I'm sorry. You know what--
- It doesn't matter, I'm going. Look, just-- - I'm such an idiot.
I steal shit.
- Come again? - That's what I do for a living.
I steal audio-visual components.
I steal. I robbed a house. I stole this watch.
It's a cool watch. It's got this little light thing. I stole this gum...
...from the lobby, because it was kind of a rush.
I've never finished anything that I've started my entire life.
Not school, not marriage, nothing.
And I have this thing where, like halfway in the middle, I just...
...and I cut and run.
Like the other night when you were all over me...
...and you gave up and just went for it with--
Prime example. I switched to the ugly friend. Homely friend. She's not ugly.
She's homely.
Don't go. Please.
Not yet.
This isn't finished.
- Turn around. - Why?
- Just turn around. - What, my tag's out?
- This dump have a bar? - Yeah.
HARMONY: Call me "Slick" from here on out.
HARRY: That was such a good job. You snagged a ton of gum.
- I mean, petty theft-- - Oh, Harry.
I really didn't need that last shot of tequila.
Oh, God.
- I just had a weird thought. - Mm-hmm.
Veronica Dexter. I saw the body up close. Hell, I carried the damn thing.
Both times, the dress was soaked through, so it was transparent. So--
God, Harry, where are you going with this?
No, no, no. It's just--
Perry said this chick was deep into the born-again bit...
...so it's probably nothing, but just if she had on underwear...
...I didn't see any.
- I guess I'm taking the couch. - Yeah. Thanks.
Or you can sleep here. But it would only be sleeping, Harry.
If that's gonna frustrate you.
Let's see.
- Oh, Harry. - Hm?
So long ago.
Didn't really turn out the way we hoped, did it?
I guess if I racked my brain, I could think of worse places to be.
- ls that so, Whitey? - Whitey?
- Calling me a knight? - Maybe, yeah.
Except for the boner. That's not too knightly.
The hell it isn't. Actually, it's nightly and most mornings.
Fuck it, I'm not a knight. I'm sorry.
I'm thinking-- I'm going nuts, so I think maybe...
- ... the couch is good. - What? Stop. Harry.
Or I can keep drinking until it goes away.
Harry, seriously, if you're at all uncomfortable...
...I am more than happy to do something.
- For chrissake, no. - Why not?
I don't want you to offer it as-- Not, "It's a courtesy freebie. "
- You're so anal. - I don't want the backup:
"Let me just give you a hand here"...
...as a kind of, like, default backup thing.
[HARRY MOANS]
- You're gonna stop calling me. - Uh-uh.
No. You know, that's crazy.
I swear to God, this is it.
You are the dream girl. You always have been.
This is destiny.
Okay.
Before we do this...
...I have a little confession to make.
My best friend! You said you were going to drop by his house, wave goodbye.
I was leaving for L.A. I was never gonna see him--
- He looked sad. - He looked sad?
- Yes, he did. - You slept with Chook Chutney.
Fuck. For chrissake, Harry, it was forever ago.
Come on, I was a different person back then.
- You slept with Chook. Excuse me. - Come on.
- Watch your hand. - Harry!
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
- Yeah. HARMONY: Harry, was she raped?
- Huh? - The Dexter girl, was she raped?
No, the ME's report showed no indication of rape stuff.
You slept with Chook Chutney.
[HANGS UP PHONE]
PERRY: Wake up. Harry, wake up.
- Get up. HARRY: What's up?
Harmony's in trouble. Get dressed.
Let's go.
HARMONY [ON VOICEMAIL]: Perry, it's me. This Veronica Dexter business stinks.
I'm gonna go check on something Harry said.
Call me. If I'm right, you 're going to shit.
- What did you say to her? - Nothing.
- I don't get what's happening. - She solved this thing.
That sly little minx of yours has solved this case, and now I can't find her.
- You're worried. - You're not worried?
Of course. If you are, I should be.
Now, what did you say? Think.
- You said something about the case. - Yeah. Yeah.
- What? - Oh. Um....
[TIRES SCREECH]
HARRY: I tell him about destiny. He's shaking his head.
About dream girls, he doesn't care. I mention the underwear thing...
...he has a fucking conniption.
And you? How about it, filmgoer?
Have you solved the case of the dead people in L.A. ?
Times Square audiences, please don 't shout at the screen.
And stop picking at that, it'll just get worse.
- This won't take a second. - Right.
[HUMMING]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Hi. How are you doing tonight?
They gave away my crickets.
Excuse me, you wouldn't, by chance, happen to have seen this woman?
No. I don't like him. Kurt Cobain, he took my cricket.
Of course. That's sad.
Ma'am, I hope you won't be offended when I ask you...
...if you're wearing anything at all underneath your hospital blues.
Any undergarments. It's important.
[GIGGLES]
That's the clue. Veronica Dexter was a patient here.
Private mental clinic, where even nice girls don't wear undies.
How could she be here and meanwhile, she's out having parties?
Think. First she hates her dad, then loves him. Has a lawsuit, withdraws it. Why?
- I'll tell you why. - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. So it's two different girls, right?
He stashed his daughter in here, and then he put the ringer on the street.
He needs someone who looks like her to withdraw the complaint.
- It's been 1 0 years. - This is nuts.
- It's right out of a Gossamer book. - Of course...
...because the guy who planned the crimes has all the books.
He's read them all. They're in his house. Plus, he was in that piece of shit...
...movie.
You're telling me the girl imposter--
A desperate man needs a replacement daughter.
Along comes a girl, Harmony's sister.
- Fresh off the bus, looking for her dad. - I'd say I found my imposter.
Let's get out of here.
HARRY: So where did she go from here? PERRY: Shut up, I'm thinking.
By the way, this thing:
Single gayest thing you've ever done.
- Evening, gentlemen. - Hi, we are so incredibly lost.
GUARD: Mr. Van Shrike, hello.
You look chilly. Come back inside.
I'm from back East. I'm kind of digging the cold.
- Fuck! He's the one who said it. - Or I can kill you here.
Harry, I was thinking some more about this reality versus fiction.
Like in the movies, when a guy sticks a gun at some schmuck's back and says:
- "Let's take a walk. " He's got a hostage. - I've seen that movie.
In reality, the pros like about five feet of separation.
That's so the schmuck doesn't take the gun back and make him eat it.
Doesn't that suck? I just hit you for no reason.
Watch it.
- Tell us where Harmony is. - Fuck you, Mary.
You don't get it, do you? This isn't "good cop, bad cop. "
This is fag and New Yorker. You're in a lot of trouble.
For chrissake, who are you protecting? It's all over. Dexter is going down.
- Down. - I know about Veronica's lawsuit.
I know Dexter was facing ruin. I even know he switched daughters.
Which, for God's sake, actually did work for a while, till last week.
- Then he had to kill her, huh? - Put a sock in it.
- I'm asking a question. - lf you ask questions...
...then it seems like we don't know anything. Okay?
And for the record, it was the boyfriend, the guy from Paris.
He would've spotted the fake and said, "That's not Veronica. " Am I right?
- Fuck you! - Exactly.
So Dexter had Veronica killed, threw a dress on her...
...dumped the body and walked away clean, except for one little thing.
- Underpants. - One tiny little pair of undies.
Yeah.
You think that's funny, huh? I'm gonna break your nose now.
I want you to picture a bullet inside your head. Can you do that for me?
Fuck you.
- Anyway, that's ambiguous. - Ambiguous? I don't think so.
He means when you say, "Picture it inside your head"...
...is that "a bullet will be inside your head"...
- ... or "picture it in your head"? - Harry, will you shut up.
I don't know anything about a girl, seriously. I was bluffing.
- I think that you are bluffing right now. - Harry, what are you doing?
What I'm doing for the guy who likes to bluff...
...is I'm playing a little game called "Am I Bluffing? " Where is she?
Where the fuck is Harmony? You want to play hardball?
Where is the girl?
What did you just do?
- I just put in one bullet, didn't l? - You put a live round in that gun?
Yeah, there was like an 8 percent chance.
- Eight? - Yeah!
- Who taught you math? - Maybe it was more. I don't know--
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Shit!
- Hello? HARMONY: Perry, is that you?
- Hey, it's me. - Hi, Harmony.
- What's going on? - Where the hell are you?
- At home. - You' re at home?
I just got back. I was in the Hills all day. Shitty reception.
- What's up? You don't sound so good. - Why aren't you following your lead?
Oh, forget it. It's just crazy.
No, it's not crazy. Listen--
HARMONY: It's right out of a Gossamer book.
Don't talk. Listen.
- Eight percent. - And you, stop multiplying.
No, not you. Listen, call downtown...
...see if Veronica Dexter's body has gone to the mortuary.
If it has, see if there 's a cremation scheduled.
- Wait, Perry. - Call me back right away.
Look, he was gonna kill you anyway. He said so.
Uh.... Cover him up. I'll get the car.
HARRY: All right, that's pretty much all done.
PERRY: Harry-- - I got an idea.
I say we take the son of a bitch Dexter down.
To the racetrack and buy the son of a gun a drink.
What do you say, Perry? Oh, fuck, no fair. No fucking fair.
Aurelio, give Mr. Van Shrike a little pat down.
AURELIO: Fucking maricón.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Toss it here. Let's see who it is.
We're in trouble. Dexter's got us. Ah!
He just asked a carpet-cleaning service to save him.
Oh, sorry, kid. Good hands, though.
Thanks. Used to be a magician.
And for 39.99 we'll carpet up to three rooms in half the time.
That's a $40 value. Act today.
HARRY: That chick in the casket, she won't even match up with that...
...ringer you been toting around. You ever think about that, genius?
He did, Harry. That's why he's cremating the body.
DEXTER: Yeah, you ready?
Speak of the devil. Gotta go.
Perry, nice to have known you.
- Harry. - Harry. Yes, of course.
Harry from New York.
I hope you don't judge Los Angeles based solely on your experience tonight.
Ouch.
I'm kind of scared here, Perry.
Aurelio, why don't you give the kid a break?
Do unto others and all that. It's Christmas.
- Who else knows? - I don't know anything.
I'm not even from here, you fuck-up.
[SCREAMING]
Mr. Dexter, the coffin's good to go.
Okay, let's burn the bitch.
You could zap his chest. It'd be easier.
But we know why you gotta do it down there.
You like looking at his johnson, don't you?
Admit it, dude, you got it in you.
Enough! Look me in the eyes and tell me you've never been with a man.
- Fuck you, maricón! Fuck you! - That's what you want, isn't it?
- You want to fuck me. - Stop helping. Stop helping.
- lf you are not gay, just say so. - Fuck you, maricón!
- Look at him. He can't even say it. - Stop helping!
- Can't wait to have you as a patient. - Bet you can't.
- This is what you want. Here. - Shut up!
Take a look. You want some of this right here? Look at this.
Just shut up!
Yeah!
- Homophobes never check there. - Wow.
Thank God you had a gun in there. I thought it was a gay thing...
...Like somehow you guys could do that. Sorry.
- Are you okay? - Not really, no.
Gentlemen, let's wrap it up and get out of here.
- Who's driving? - I tell you what, I'll flip you for it.
All right.
- This way, come on. - Shit!
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
- Yeah. PERRY: Hey, Harmony, it's me.
Oh, God, how did you get away?
I shot him with a small revolver I keep near my balls.
I can't get to my car. We're near Olive and the freeway. Can you pick us up?
I'm in a van with Veronica 's body. I'll be there in 30 seconds.
All right, be where I can see you. Be ready to move.
Shit, they' re on my tail. I gotta go.
Right there. She's right there! Shit.
Harmony!
HARRY: Harmony! PERRY: Harry, don't!
Come on, we gotta go. They're coming back around. Harmony's down there.
Perry, what's wrong?
Come on, breathe.
Harry.
Harold.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
HARMONY: Harold...
...use your awesome might.
Save me from this hopeless plight.
Harold....
[GRUNTING]
[TIRES SCREECHING IN DIST ANCE]
Harmony!
Captain Fucking Magic.
Come on!
No.
There, all done.
Finished.
Harry.
- Did you just call me? - Harry, you're shot.
No, no. Look, you want to see something cool?
Cool! This stopped the bullet, Harry.
No. No, not really.
Oh, Harry.
Oh, God, Harry.
[SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE]
Harry.
- Hi. Welcome back. - Yeah.
- How many fingers? - Put that cat down, because I'm allergic.
You feeling okay? How's your... ?
- My what? - Well, your....
- Everything down there. - I can't believe he told you that.
[KNOCKING]
HARRY: Hey, hey, hey.
It's Christmas, where's my present, Slick?
Your present is you're not in jail, fag-hag.
HARRY: Yeah, boo, hiss, I know. Look, I hate it too.
In movies where the studio gets all paranoid about a downer ending...
...so the guy shows up, he 's magically alive on crutches, I hate that.
I mean, shit, why not bring them all back.
But the point is, in this case, this time, it really happened.
Perry, like, lived. Yeah, it 's a dumb movie thing...
... but what do you want me to do, lie about it?
So you found something out?
Yeah. But you' re not gonna like it.
Dexter didn't murder your sister.
That's crazy. He was using my sister to impersonate his daughter, Perry.
Never happened. I talked to my police guy.
The ringer was a girl named Mia Frye, 23-year-old from Glendale.
When she wasn't impersonating Veronica Dexter...
...she wore a pink wig.
But my sister sent you up to Big Bear Lake, to his cabin.
Your sister was convinced that Dexter was her natural father...
...so she started following him, hanging around.
Do you see where I'm going with this?
One day your sister came calling, and she saw Dexter...
...in bed with the pink-haired girl.
What she thought was father and daughter.
Remember, that's how it would appear.
It was too much for her.
First the old father, now the shiny new one.
She couldn't handle it, and she took her own life.
What she hired me to film wasn't murder, but incest.
I'm sorry.
HARRY: So much for unreality.
I said goodbye...
... watched Jonny's world go back on the fiction shelf.
But while it lasted, brother...
...it was one for the books.
PERRY: You should've told me you were arrested five times.
I should be pissed.
You should have told me that when you go home, you put on lady's underpants.
- That's cross-dressing, imbecile. - Whatever.
Half those guys are straight. Perfect fathers, love their kids.
How about you? Did your father love you?
Sometimes. You know, when I dressed up like a bottle. How about yours?
Well, he used to beat me in Morse code, so it's possible...
...but he never actually said the words.
- Harry. - What?
Don't steal any more shit.
You're not a punk.
You bet I'll turn around.
You like that, huh?
PERRY: I saw him in the commissary twice. What is he, like 6'4"?
He doesn't know he's gay. Look how he walks.
HARRY: So that's pretty much that.
We went back to Indiana, the three of us, for Jenna 's funeral.
Don 't worry, I saw the last Lord of the Rings.
I won 't have the movie end 1 7 times.
There is, though, one final scene for your viewing pleasure.
Do I know you?
No. Just in town for the funeral.
What do you want?
The zoo was closed, so I thought I'd come here and look at an animal.
Son of a--
Who do you think you're talking to?
I buried my daughter today.
No.
You buried her 20 years ago.
Harmony was right, her sister was murdered.
You pulled the trigger. It just took this long for the bullet to hit.
Who are you?
I loved my girl.
You fucker! If I could get out of this bed--
Yeah? Well, you can't.
You bastard!
An old man that can't defend himself.
Big tough guy.
Yeah, that's right.
Big tough guy.
[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]
I prefer Genaros, but what do I know? I'm a bear. I suck the heads off fish.
HARRY: That's it. That's the true story of what happened last Christmas.
That was some pretty harsh shit with the old guy back there, right?
But whatever, he's creepy. Fuck him. Don't worry about him.
Anyhow, so....
Thanks for coming.
Thanks for taking the trip to L.A. with me.
If I had to sum it up, and I do--
Because, you know, it's, like, the end.
- -I would say that this movie is about-- It's about friendship.
- Friendship is sacred. - What are you doing?
I'm trying to wrap up the movie...
...and leave the people with a message.
I've got a message for you. Get your feet off my fucking desk.
Sorry. I work for Perry now.
- And stop narrating. [MUFFLED]: Obviously.
That's it. Please stay for the end credits.
If you're wondering who the best boy is, it's someone's nephew.
Don't forget to validate your parking.
For all of you good people in the Midwest...
...sorry we said "fuck" so much.
- Say good night. - Thanks again.
Now, go. Vanish.